Friday, September 9
leaving the house in a bit. am very unproductive these days. what if i retain? why is it that i never had to worry about being promoted from level to level previously, but now this fear is very real and very valid?
for all it's very real and very valid, i'm really doing very little about it!! too busy bouncing on my chair really. hahaha side effect of listening to 'love in the first degree'. it's so bouncy!! *bounce bounce* hahaha shit i'm seventeen!! - i stand accused of love in the first degree -
the older we get, the clearer some things are. people die, beauty fades, love changes.. and you'll always be alone. remember? i also remember what the guy in the book said. people die, so love them everyday. beauty fades, so look before it's gone. love changes, but not the love you give [this bit always confused me. so the love you recieve changes?? isn't that gift-love? isn't love always given? it's like energy, you can't create it out of nothing.] and if you love, you will never be alone. ahhh. nightworld. i still love huntress.
i remember the reason i quit ballet ten years ago. i was too shy to dance in front of people. i still have the problem. i'm too shy to do a hell of a lot of things in front of people. i won't dance, i won't run, i won't catch a ball. yes i know i know. too damned self-conscious. but somehow as long as there are people around, i feel like an elephant lumbering around. does that explain why i never wanted to play basketball with you people, why i never played captain's ball or any of the other stuff the ex-plc used to love doing? it wasn't really just because i'm lazy and hate sweating. it's really because i'm too self-conscious to move. my ballet teacher used to get mad at me [i was only five] because i didn't want to dance with people watching. that's why i quit eventually. couldn't take the pressure of performance. it's a miracle i'm still doing piano, because i still freak out when people hear me play. i start to tremble a bit, and hit the wrong notes, and somehow it just doesn't sound the same. i can't pour myself into anything when i'm all knotted up like that. arghhh. maybe that's why i admire performers so much. they know how to draw exhilaration from the limelight, from people's attention. sometimes i refuse to play the piano when people are in the living room. my own family. seventeen years. and i still can't do it.
there are days when i feel like such a failure.
i shall leave soon.
it must've been love.
10:11 am
xoxo
